A relationship expert has uncovered the red flags to watch for in your own dating habits, including avoidance, projecting obsessions and fantasies, and overly nice behavior.
UK-based Kate Mansfield says it’s “crucial to look out for potentially toxic traits in your partner, especially if you have a pattern or history of choosing the wrong people or abusive or unhealthy relationships.”
Just as important, however, is knowing where we may be causing harm or self-sabotage. “I take my clients through a very detailed planning process where we examine non-negotiables and bottom line behaviors in dating and identify red flags within ourselves that could be sabotaging or negatively impacting our dating opportunities and success,” she revealed.
Here, Kate tells FEMAIL six behaviors you might want to watch out for.
A relationship expert has uncovered the red flags to watch for in your own dating habits, including avoidance, projecting obsessions and fantasies, and overly nice behavior. Stock image used
1. Avoidance
Kate says avoidance is “a big issue and hard to spot.” This is because it manifests in “small and subtle” ways, but could have “deadly” effects on sabotage.
“This is reflected in avoiding dating for long periods of time and being overly ‘busy’ to avoid loneliness, watching Netflix and becoming overly attached to friends and family and sacrificing your love life,” she revealed.
“If this resonates, start meditating, take time each day to connect with your inner world, slow down and feel your feelings.”
The relationship expert added that this will help identify your needs and create an emotional connection with others.
2. Obsession and imagination
“This is where we project who we want in someone, rather than taking the time to get to know them,” Kate explained.
She says this can make you disappear into a fantasy “rather than take the risk of a real relationship.”
This can manifest itself as “texting instead of speaking” and keeping your distance for weeks or even months.
When you meet the person, you may not be listening to them properly or understanding how available they are.
“Make some rules for yourself, such as “For example, not allowing texting for more than a week and going on a phone call and then a coffee date shortly after you’ve connected with someone,” Kate advised.
Here, Kate shares with FEMAIL six behaviors you might want to watch out for, including developing anxious attachments. Stock image used
3. Fear and Anxious Attachment
The relationship expert says that’s what happens when we suffer from abandonment issues — which causes us to become “needy, clingy, and anxious.”
“Behaviours include committing too soon, giving up on yourself and having weak boundaries,” she explained.
4. Judgment and critical thinking
“This is a common situation that can really kill your chances of finding love,” warns Kate, “when you become overly picky and have unrealistic expectations of a potential mate.”
In this case, you would judge them for small things that don’t really matter and hold themselves to “impossible high standards.”
“Allow people to be human and to make mistakes,” she urged. “Most people in the dating scene are a little hurt and most of us have been heartbroken, so be kind and forgive the little things.”
This also manifests in not being authentic, texting too much, and giving too much.
Kate continued, “If this is you, I would definitely recommend getting professional help and filling your own life with fun things, hobbies and new friends to feel less invested in the outcome of your dates.”
5. Being too nice
Kate says being inauthentic saccharin — or avoiding conflict and being too pleasant — is “a total distraction to your potential dates.”
“Often we find it attractive to be easygoing or nice, but actually it gets boring pretty quickly,” she revealed. “Real chemistry often comes from conflict and difference, not just placating the other person.”
The dating expert added that most people “can feel it when you’re not yourself.”
“This creates a disconnect and a sense of intrigue or lack of spark,” she said. ‘Take the risk of being yourself, speak your mind in a warm and friendly way, if we don’t do that it often leads to a failed relationship later because it wasn’t based on the truth.’
6. Being overly competitive or argumentative
On the other hand, Kate warns that being too competitive or argumentative is also a total date killer.
“Also avoid too much banter, constant banter can become exhausting and superficial,” she said.
Instead, the expert advises “warm humor and self-mockery” to create an authentic connection.
This would often show your date that you are confident, which is “a very attractive trait.”