Do you want to know the secret of a long lasting and happy marriage?
Well, a pool of top psychologists have uncovered a set of 12 essential questions to ask to ensure the success of a relationship.
dr David Helfand, who lives in Vermont and is a licensed psychologist who specializes in couples therapy, told Today.com that “one of the hardest parts of a long-term romantic relationship is setting boundaries,” but this needs to be done, before tying the relationship knot.
Read on for insights from Helfand and other specialists on how best to navigate the path to everlasting love…
A pool of top psychologists have uncovered a set of 12 essential questions to ensure relationship success (stock image)
1. What helps you relax?
The experts emphasize that along with the ups, there will also be downs in your relationship, with stress being a big trigger for breaks.
Helfand says it’s important to remember what can help you and your partner relax during very stressful times so neither of you drown under external pressure. Notice what relaxes your partner so you can help them when the time comes.
As an example, he suggests if your partner likes bubble baths, then set one up for them when they’re feeling stressed to relieve tension.
THE 12 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR PARTNER BEFORE MARRIAGE
1. What helps you relax?
2. What makes you feel loved?
3. How is our financial situation?
4. What was your biggest trauma?
5. Where do you draw the line between secrecy and privacy?
6. How do you deal with conflicts?
7. What role should the extended family play in our relationship?
8. What are our deal breakers?
9. How will we stay connected while remaining independent?
10. How will we divide housework?
11. What bothers you about me?
12. What is our common vision?
2. What makes you feel loved?
Laura Silverstein, a certified couples therapist from Pennsylvania, advises people to take the love language test with their partner.
There are various iterations of it available online. The one from Dr. Gary Chapman’s love language theory, first developed in the 1990s, allows people to learn more about their needs. according to dr Chapman, there are five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
Silverstein says, “Take turns asking each other how you can help the other feel more loved. We know from the work of Gary Chapman that people prefer to give and receive love in different ways.’
3. How is our financial situation?
“The number one reason for divorce is finances, so it’s important that you go into marriage with an open mind,” says California-based dating coach and psychologist Holly Battey.
She recommends talking about your credit history, how much you owe, your income, and how you plan to share financial responsibilities. Many couples struggle with finances and burden sharing, so Battey recommends seeking help from a financial coach if this is an issue.
4. What was your biggest trauma?
Hefland says it’s important to delve into his partner’s past and find out about his biggest traumas. This will help you better understand them and how their reactions and behaviors are related or triggered by previous incidents.
“Dreams shape us. Knowing what experiences were really scary for your partner can help you better understand who they are today,” Hefland explains.
5. Where do you draw the line between secrecy and privacy?
Amy Morin, a psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker based in Florida, says couples should agree on their privacy boundaries from the start.
Some people like to share social media or phone passwords, while others prefer to maintain some level of privacy. Morin warns that disagreements between couples about the privacy aspect of their relationship can lead to distrust and one person thinking the other is shady.
6. How do you deal with conflicts?
Everyone has their own way of dealing with conflict, so Silverstein says it’s important to know how your partner is reacting and to acknowledge their behavior. It highlights the work of Dr. John Gottman, who studied couples for 40 years and found that compromise is essential to conflict resolution in relationships.
He proposes three functional conflict management styles: conflict-avoiding, volatile, and validating.
Silverstein recommends finding an approach that works for both sides and learning about the different ways of handling conflict. She warns, “People sometimes make the mistake of thinking that their preferred style of conflict is right and everyone else’s is wrong.”
7. What role should the extended family play in our relationship?
Extended families can be a major source of contention between couples. One person may love seeing relatives all the time while the other might see this as a nightmare. One person may appreciate their parents’ input, while the other person may see it as interference.
Morin recommends “setting expectations beforehand” when dealing with family. If views differ, try to find a workable solution.
8. What are our deal breakers?
If you’re venturing into marriage, Battey recommends sitting down and establishing boundaries around your relationship “as well as the consequences of a closure.”
Some of the most important issues to address are adultery, abuse, and addiction. The relationship expert says this will “set a healthy foundation for your marriage.”
Everyone has their own way of dealing with conflict, so it’s important to know how your partner is reacting and to acknowledge their behavior, according to Silverstein (stock image)
9. How will we stay connected while remaining independent?
Experts warn that it’s easy to lose yourself in a relationship and lose self-esteem.
Silverstein says avoiding this is important if you want to maintain a healthy balance and keep the romance alive.
She recommends “maintaining hobbies and friendships, and personal and professional ambitions…that way you can plan to share your life together while also thriving as individuals.”
10. How will we divide housework?
Before you get married, think about household chores. Battey says gender roles are changing now. Housework can be something that is shared fairly.
She says she has met many women who were unhappily married and resented their partner for doing most of the housework. However, she argues that domestic work “should be fair and appropriate to each partner’s strengths”.
If no party shows up, then see if it’s financially feasible to pay someone to help around the house.
11. What bothers you about me?
Morin says that while this question can be a bit awkward, it’s important to ask it and be honest with your answer.
Everyone has flaws and there might be something about the other person that worries you. This could be fixed or flagging it is the first step in finding a solution.
Morin says when you talk about each other’s concerns, you learn even more from each other and it “could be an opportunity to work through uncomfortable conversations.”
12. What is our common vision?
It might be something you associate more with a job interview question, but the experts say thinking about your five- to 10-year plan is something to apply to your relationship.
Battey says “couples with shared goals are more likely to stick together,” and it’s important to check in every once in a while to make sure you’re on the same page.
Seeking the help of a couples counselor might help make this exercise easier, as there might be some “bumps” that might come up when discussing what the future holds.