Psychologist reveals why people are “always looking for evidence” their partner is up to something — and how to manage your attachment style
- A psychologist has discovered why people are obsessed with possible abandonment
- dr Nicole LePera has over 6.4 million people following her relationship work
- People with anxious attachment fear emotional intimacy with their partner
- This fear leads to a fixation on the partner’s moods and a need for validation
- And when that need is not met, people withdraw and feel abandoned
A psychologist found out why some people in relationships tend to look for reasons why their partner will leave them.
dr Nicole LePera of Philadelphia has garnered a following of over 6.1 million people for her work on healing one’s inner self and understanding why emotional intimacy matters.
“Many of us are constantly looking for evidence that our partner is going to leave us or hurt us in some way,” she began her viral account Twitter Thread.
dr Nicole LePera [pictured]from Philadelphia, has gained a following of over 6.1 million people because of her work on healing one’s inner self and understanding emotional intimacy
“When we are anxiously clinging, we struggle to feel secure in our relationships. We are fixated on: what our partner is thinking, doing, or how they might hurt us. Our fear is that we will be abandoned.’
People with anxious attachment styles are overly concerned with their partner’s feelings and emotions and tend to be needy in relationships.
You often want to be around other people but are afraid that others won’t want that.
“While we fear abandonment, at a deep unconscious level we actually fear emotional intimacy,” revealed Dr. LePera.
This can be for a variety of reasons, but the psychologist provided an example of how emotional intimacy in childhood was often relegated to being shamed or ridiculed, severely punished, or emotionally abandoned — such as through silence.
“Being actually seen, heard and witnessed inspires fear (and sometimes even fear or panic). This is where sabotage patterns come into play. We fear intimacy, so we engage in behaviors that block intimacy. Also known as self-protection.”
A psychologist found out why some people in relationships tend to look for reasons why their partner will leave them
Examples of harmful “self-protection”
- Push-pull behavior (shuts down when someone approaches)
- Seeking affection or attention outside of our relationship
- Building a “hard front” (defense mechanism)
- stone walls (silent treatment)
The psychologist also revealed that the lack of authentic emotional intimacy leads to a need for constant reassurance that you are safe and loved.
“Our partner’s mood or emotions dictate our own emotional state,” she said. “We are only doing well when our partner is doing well. And what our partner feels about us becomes how we feel about ourselves.”
She added: “Our well-being depends on the emotional state of someone outside of us. It feels like an emotional rollercoaster ride.”
This anxious attachment style can often result in people choosing mates who are similarly emotionally damaged and unavailable, which can lead to an even deeper fear of abandonment.
People with anxious attachment styles are overly concerned with their partner’s feelings and emotions and tend to be needy in relationships
The unhealthy cycle created by fear of abandonment
This becomes a cycle:
I look to my partner for reassurance —-> they deny my need for connection
—-> I am abandoned —-> I withdraw —-> you feel abandoned.
My basic belief “I will leave” is confirmed.
And the cycle repeats itself.
Thousands thanked Dr. LePera for providing a simple breakdown of such a complicated emotional turmoil cycle and sharing her own experience of anxiety in relationships.
“This thread gave me an epiphany as to why I’ve always felt this way,” wrote one woman. “I love the parts about how subconsciously we fear intimacy and then we end up being overly influenced by other people’s moods.”
Another added: “That’s spot on. We lived this cycle for the first 20 years of our marriage. Patience and maturity have led to happier days over the last 15 years.’