If you are about to have a baby, you are more likely to be single than married.
Figures from the Office of National Statistics show that 2021 was the first year on record that more children were born out of wedlock than this year.
It follows a long-term trend of falling marriage rates and rising numbers of cohabiting couples seen over the past few decades.
dr Max Blumberg, a relationship psychologist and chartered member of the British Psychological Society, explains the decline as marriage no longer offers what it used to.
The number of marriages is declining – as is the number of children of married parents (archive image)
dr Blumberg, from Hampshire, says: “Society used to demand that you get married, even if the benefits weren’t great.
“Especially for women, there was no social mobility without marriage, so even a bad one had an advantage.
“But now that has changed and the cost of marriage is often greater than the cost of being single.
“Marriage can mean compromising so that you have less money, less career and less freedom.
“That’s why for many, getting married is worth less than staying single.”
Here he breaks down exactly why the traditional institution is on a decline.
1. Traditional reasons for marriage no longer play a role
Traditionally, women needed the economic stability and social mobility of marriage. As late as the 1960s or later, men and women had fixed roles. But modern social structures are making this less and less important and women’s lives much more flexible. They work, pursue careers, have babies, and take care of the home—whether married or not. Men are also becoming more flexible in their roles, but not to the same extent as women.
2. People marry when they’re happy (and we’re less happy)
Happier people are more likely to get married than unhappy people simply because unhappy people find it difficult to have relationships and difficult to be in a relationship. So, a decline in mental health and happiness will be associated with a decline in marriage.
But we know that luck has declined. That’s mostly because people work harder to make ends meet — and those who work hard don’t have time for decent relationships.
There is also a lot of pressure to make a certain amount and look a certain way. Young women’s self-esteem has been particularly affected by social media, while online connections are notorious for not bringing as much joy as offline connections. People also have less time, while resources like doctor appointments and groceries on the shelves become scarcer.
3. Growing acceptance of living together
Social acceptance of living together has increased, with increasing demands for legal protection. Often people believe that living with someone before marriage could lessen the impact of a divorce later on. In fact, cohabitation can carry more risks than marriage when couples break up. Still, it’s gaining popularity, perhaps simply because it’s easier and parents don’t frown on it anymore.
4. High divorce rates paint a bad picture
It is estimated that 42 per cent of marriages in the UK end in divorce. The most common reasons are financial disputes. Also, most divorces are initiated by women. But in psychology, we place a lot of emphasis on how our expectations can determine our behavior. So if all a person sees in the media is that marriages end badly, that will color their view and they may not even want to try.
5. No evidence that marriage makes you happier and healthier (especially for women)
The benefits of marrying men are obvious. Studies have shown that married men are healthier and happier. They also have fewer illnesses, better mental health, and recover from illnesses faster. But it’s not so clear cut for women.
In his 2020 book Happy Ever After: A Radical New Approach to Living Well, behavioral scientist Paul Dolan of the London School of Economics analyzed global data. He found that women who are single and have no children often claim to be happier than married women. They also live longer. He believes that by middle age, the effects of marriage may have already begun to have a mental and physical impact on some women.
Research shows that single women may have greater social connections and engage in more social activities — which is a key indicator of happiness.
6. Wedding expenses
According to Hitched’s National Wedding Survey, the average cost of a wedding in 2021 was £17,300. This was a 90 per cent increase on last year when the cost was £9,100.
While Covid may have had an impact on price increases, there has long been an upward trend in wedding costs. In a livelihood crisis, many couples might simply feel that getting married is too expensive and not high on their priority list.
7. Marriage is not encouraged by the British government
According to the Marriage Foundation, people from lower socioeconomic groups are less likely to marry than middle-class couples, which is attributed to financial disadvantages. Her research shows that the welfare system puts couples who live together at a disadvantage compared to those who don’t.
But it has been shown that if you offer financial incentives, more people will get married. In Hungary, for example, marriage rates have been declining since the 1980s. But the government then promoted it economically, and it now has one of the highest marriage rates in Europe.
Besides, if a government doesn’t promote marriage as a good thing, why would anyone think it should?
dr Max Blumberg studies people — both in relationships and at work — and believes marriage can come with more costs than benefits
8. Women deal with being a single mom just fine
I don’t think most women say they want to do motherhood alone. But if they have a strong biological urge to be a parent but haven’t met the right partner yet or don’t like the look of their friends’ relationships, they may choose to go it alone. There is now less stigma about using sperm donors or being a single mother. And if a woman can afford it – which they increasingly can – it seems like an option. When a couple becomes pregnant but one does not want the child, the other may choose to raise the child alone.
9. People don’t want to invest
When you decide whether or not to get married, you weigh up how much you’re investing emotionally and financially—and what kind of return you’re getting. Marriages inevitably mean that you have to compromise on certain things. You will not have the freedom to do what you want. Likewise, you might find that when your finances flow into a common pool, you lose control over what you spend your money on. People look at the return they get on their investment and if it doesn’t seem like enough, they won’t get married. The value and benefit of it must outweigh the cost.
10. Being born out of wedlock is no longer a social disgrace
People over 50 can still raise an eyebrow when it comes to an illegitimate child. But most people won’t do it. This is probably related to the dwindling power of the church. Much of the traditional social stigma came from a religious attitude. But a recent census showed that fewer and fewer people belong to a church in Britain. It is no coincidence that the number of babies born out of wedlock is increasing at the same time as church attendance is declining.
11. Sexual Fluidity
The younger generations are far more open-minded than the older generations. An increasing number are gay or lesbian or pansexual and gender biased. Again, if people want to date people of opposite and opposite sexes, then marriage is less likely to be an option, especially since the church still doesn’t support gay marriage.
12. Lack of married role models
We are now with the second generation of people who have chosen not to get married. So many of them will have grown up without married parents. Likewise, the media no longer focuses on married couples. So there are fewer and fewer married role models to look up to.
13. Sexual liberation and the pill
The world is now full of dating sites. The pill also bought women liberation and more control over their own bodies. Women and men can do whatever they want – and they don’t have to be part of an institution like marriage.