warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.
I am a 29 year old bisexual woman in a non-monogamous couple. A few years ago I felt the urge to explore my submissive side and I met a well known dominator on a site dedicated to BDSM. We had a few drinks and enjoyed ourselves. Before taking any action, we discussed our preferences and limitations. I fixed some that are impassable for me. During our first training session he tried to modify them. I told him no several times but he insisted and I finally gave in. I should have said enough at that point, but it was my first situation like this and I think he took advantage of it. The experience left me with a very bad feeling, which I didn’t share with him at that moment. In the end I just disappeared. I later met another very good and loving dominant partner who luckily helped me explore my fantasies by making me feel cared for and protected. Now I know that a good dominator always respects the boundaries, especially when the games have already started. Lately I’ve been seeing the other dominator, the fake one, on several dating apps and I’m thinking about texting him to tell him what he did wrong. I also worry that it might violate other women’s boundaries. Can it have a positive effect or should I just let it be?
– Bitterly debating sending a message
You weren’t experienced in BDSM when you met him, but you don’t say if he was just as inexperienced. Even if you want to agree with him when the doubt arises – and imagine that he doesn’t know that trying to change the rules during a BDSM situation is never okay – you have every right to be angry.
“Encounters between dominators and submissives are never about intent, it’s about effect,” explains Lina Dune, host of the podcast Ask a sub. “Even though he didn’t intend to drag BDSM into this horrific situation — because let’s face it :Challenging the other person’s boundaries is the worst wake-up call – he did it anyway, and the emotional response of BDSM is what counts.”
Considering you eventually had to cut off communication, BDSM, he guesses he has kept in touch with you in anticipation of further encounters. That means she either didn’t understand that she did something wrong, or she was hoping that you, as inexperienced submissives, would continue to suffer from her attempts at manipulation d ” the rules to get it. Games started.
“The task of correcting the perpetrator of wrongdoing never falls to the victim,” notes Dune. “But whether BDSM can be a relief to send him a short message explaining what is meant by ‘unbreakable boundaries’ and how destabilizing it can be for the submissive to have a dominator switch cards in the course of work , or that in general challenges the established boundaries, I don’t see anything wrong there”.
If this guy is indeed an unfair dominator—a bad person who cannot be trusted—your words certainly aren’t going to magically turn him into a fair and trustworthy dominator. But maybe you’ll feel better afterwards, BDSM, and then who knows? Maybe this guy is starting to worry about his reputation. Because you can actually do more than just talk to him. You can talk about him. Mind you, if he’s one of those asshole dominators who take advantage of inexperienced submissives, it’s also possible that he doesn’t care about his fame in the BDSM scene. But if sharing the details of your first, failed submission experience – here in my column or elsewhere – encourages other would-be divers to avoid that person and/or end a session immediately when another untrustworthy dom spouts such bullshit , then it will be worth it.
My husband and I went to a BDSM event that required you to state your gender identity in addition to choosing a nickname. My man who disguises himself wants to be referred to as male when presenting as male and female when presenting as female. He doesn’t want to use neutral solutions like asterisks, snails and so on. I suggested that he state both masculine and feminine, but he says that’s not an appropriate solution because he wants people to use the correct ending for the way he’s presenting himself. He does not want to be insensitive to non-binary identifiers, but believes that in his case it is obvious whether he presented himself one way or another and that people should understand this without having to specify it. How do you avoid clarifying and asking others to choose the endings based on the gender they see “represented”?
– Help everyone who is looking for help everywhere
Are we talking about tags to wear? Because if so, HESHE, then your man can wear one that says “male” when presenting as a man and one that says “female” when presenting as a woman. However, if it is a BDSM event organized by obsessives, you must indicate in advance the scenes you wish to organize, listing the names of all participants and indicating the pronouns that participants wish to use during the scenes, respecting them Pronouns under threat of eviction… well, then your husband can only choose a team, or rather the genre he wants to present that evening and the associated endings.
***
I am white cis-american with paramilitary appearance and straight appearance in a poly couple. In the BDSM community, I am considered an “active on call”, i.e. a submissive who does not scorn the dominant role. I love having group sex with my partner and in those situations I randomly interact with other men. Outside of these hypersexual situations, however, I’m not interested in sex with men. How should I define myself? I’m asking you because for us, growing up in the ’90s, just one homosexual relationship was enough for us to be considered gay. I’m a bold and confident person, and if a man wants to play with me in a crowd, there’s nothing wrong with giving him pleasure. These are experiences that I consider neutral in a positive sense. I’m afraid that using terms like “heteroflexible” or “nearly straight” will help make bisexuality invisible, but calling myself bisexual seems like an appropriation because I enjoy all the privileges of heterosexuality in life. I’d like to call myself bisexual because I think it serves as a guide for normalization, but I don’t feel entirely justified. I would be very grateful if you would give me a hand.
– Just suppressed enough
I think you have every right to call yourself bisexual, JOE. But just to be on the safe side, I also reached out to Zachary Zane, bisexual and owner of Men’s Health’s sex advice column, for an opinion.
“I often have bisexual people who don’t feel ‘gay’ enough to use the ‘bisexual’ label,” Zane replies. “Generally, it’s cisgender women married to straight cis men who have never known the level of oppression such as mating a wimped-out homosexual with a non-binary person.”
But your personal experience of oppression—or lack thereof—does not distract from your non-heterosexual component, nor does it prevent you from identifying as bisexual.
“It’s very sad to think that our concept of ‘non-heterosexuality’ is inseparable from the experience of oppression,” Zane reflects. “It’s an incredibly distorted notion. Being gay and/or bisexual is about attraction to the genders, not the level of oppression a person experiences or feels.
“So I would say yes: JOE can call herself bisexual because she loves to interact sexually with men in certain situations,” says Zane. “At the same time, I think he can and should recognize the privileges that come with the way he expresses himself, which he is already doing and must continue to do. And I hope that in the future he will use his condition to help other bisexuals who are untouched by the privilege of having straight looks and ways like his own.
(Translation by Matteo Colombo)