A Canadian woman in transition said she feels ostracized by others like her and feels “nauseous” as the community continues to push for medical interventions for transgender people.
In a post on her Substack blog, Michelle Zacchigna, 34, who goes by the alias Michelle Alleva, said she spends a lot of time in detransition rooms.
In late November 2022, Michelle said she attended a symposium on detransition research at York University in Toronto and was “disappointed” with how she “downplayed” experiences of regret.
“It has been difficult for me to sit in a room where panels of people who have no regrets about their medical history are emphasizing the importance of unquestioned access to medical treatment,” she wrote in the Feb. 13 post.
Canadian transition woman Michelle said she feels ostracized by others like her and feels “nauseous” as the community continues to push for medical interventions for transgender people
She slammed health professionals providing confirmation as a diagnosis – after turning into a man during an alleged mental health crisis
“I have met so many people who have been irreparably harmed by the same ‘treatment’.
The 34-year-old listed several people she said had been impacted by transitional treatments.
“I know people with persistent vocal pain from testosterone use. I know people who are devastated because they can never breastfeed their children,” she said.
“I know people who may never enjoy sexual intimacy again, either because they’re terrified of their own bodies — because their libido is completely drained — or because sex is now physically painful.
“I know people who have become infertile as a result of this ‘treatment’. (I myself sat sobbing as I processed the reality that during the darkest years of my life I insisted on eradicating one of the last signs of “feminine” I had as I was desperate to have children all my life before .)
“I know people who get deep into addiction because they believe that after everything they’ve been through, that’s the only way they can get through the day.
“I know people who can’t get out of bed because they think the best parts of life have been stolen from them. I’ve seen (and felt) so much pain. So much. I’m still taking a step back from that.’
She has criticized health professionals who provide confirmation as a diagnosis, claiming that the tenet that “gender identity is innate, people who identify as transgender are born that way and that the transition can be life-saving” is contradictory to many has effect.
Michelle said that for her and “thousands” of others going through the transition, the transition is a coping mechanism to deal with “trauma, hatred of ourselves and a range of comorbidities.”
“It changed our bodies, it destroyed our natural functions, it gave us chronic pain and lifelong complications; and we felt broken and alone,” she wrote.
“I’m upset that the perception of switchers that was conveyed to the audience was one of people embracing the idea of gender diversity
‘[People who] may frame their experiences as a “gender journey” – the number of times I heard that phrase throughout the day made me sick.
Michelle described her difficult time at school – which led to her feelings of anxiety and depression
“It just reinforces the idea that the transition rarely does any harm, even to those people who feel it was ultimately wrong for them.”
While she doesn’t blame her community, she stresses that until both sides of the transition story need to be addressed, or there will be “more people in dire need of support.”
“I’ve watched dropouts who have been in this for years slowly harden their stance as they are at best ignored and at worst humiliated and threatened,” she wrote.
“I’m two years away from detransition and my patience has waned as well.”
It’s been 11 years since Michelle had her mastectomy, she explained, adding that while she’s accepted how she looks, she still has time to surprise her.
“There are still moments when I take off my shirt to change, my breath catches and my mind leaves my body,” she wrote.
Michelle underwent surgery to remove her breasts and uterus and is now suing the healthcare providers who reportedly eased her transition
“I cannot predict when it will happen. This reality will never go away for me. I will still live in this body long after everyone has moved on to whatever the next big scandal is.’
As Michelle approaches 35, she considers what else she can save from her life.
“I have a job that I’m good at that pays my bills, but I’m still disabled. I can’t drive and I spend a lot of time alone and isolated,” she said.
“My social anxiety hasn’t gone away, it’s just turned into avoidance and extreme independence.
The transition and detransition process for Michelle
2008: Michelle begins seeing a therapist after attempting suicide.
2009: Michelle said she started thinking critically about her gender at the age of 21.
She questioned her gender after reading about gender identity on Tumblr.
2010: Michelle attends a support group in Toronto, where a therapist suggests she have hormone therapy after just one appointment lasting less than an hour.
Psychiatrists who see Michelle after attempting suicide in 2008 reportedly say she is an “ideal candidate for hormone therapy.”
2012: Various professionals referred Michelle for a bilateral mastectomy, which involves removing her breasts.
2016: Michelle stops taking testosterone at this point and identifies as non-binary.
2017: Michelle is referred for a full psychological evaluation, during which she is diagnosed with autism, ADHD, MDD, and features of PTSD.
Another professional referred Michelle for a hysterectomy to remove her uterus, which was completed in May 2018.
2020: Michelle said she is reconsidering her diagnoses and choosing to detransition.
“Relationships with other people still trigger childhood wounds, leading to emotional breakdowns that I find difficult to control when things go wrong.”
Michelle said she doesn’t feel 35 but more like a teenager.
“I spent the transition years in halted development, focusing on cultivating a false identity and changing my appearance to try to control how others perceived me.
“I should have developed resilience and social skills: learning to tolerate rejection and accepting disagreement, finding the courage to ask for what I need, and knowing when to leave when my needs aren’t being met.
She said her days of advocacy are slowly slipping away as she feels “tired and broken” despite the “struggle.” [being] not over yet.’
“In the end, nothing I do in advocacy is for me. I’ve always known and accepted that, but over time I get resentful of the effort I put into it,” she said.
“I’m not getting enough of this to justify what I’m losing. I wanted to change the world, but everything I do is criticized by someone who thinks they can do better.
“I wanted female solidarity, but if I don’t pass the purity test, I’ll be called a maid. I wanted justice, but in the end I’ll probably get skipped.’
Michelle underwent surgery to remove her breasts and uterus and is now suing the healthcare providers who reportedly eased her transition.
She filed a lawsuit against the eight doctors and psychiatrists who prescribed her testosterone treatments and gave her a bilateral mastectomy and a hysterectomy during what she said was a mental crisis.
Over a 10-year period, she went from a therapist to being referred for hormone therapy by doctors with whom she had limited contact, including one she spoke to for less than an hour, to irreversible surgery, and a better decision mental health diagnoses explained her condition as anything else in 2020.
“I will live the rest of my life without breasts, with a deeper voice and a male pattern baldness and without the ability to conceive,” she wrote.
“The removal of my perfectly healthy uterus is my greatest regret.”
Michelle claims the professionals did not adequately address her mental health needs and allowed her to undergo irreversible surgery on her body and suppress feminizing properties with testosterone.
Michelle went back and forth with mental health issues — which have had a number of diagnoses but her gender dysphoria has gone unexplored. She is pictured here after her mastectomy
While she doesn’t blame her community, she emphasizes that both sides of the transition story need to be addressed
After attempting suicide in 2008, she began treating Dr. Seeing Nadine Lulu, who became her regular therapist and suggested her as an “ideal candidate” for hormone therapy in July 2010.
Earlier this spring, she reportedly spoke with a therapist at a Toronto support group for less than an hour before she was recommended hormone therapy.
Rupert Raj, one of the therapists running the group, is a defendant in the case, as is Dr. Rick Lindal, who apparently didn’t meet Michelle before recommending her for hormone therapy.
With these recommendations from multiple medical professionals within a year, Michelle began the transition in 2010.
dr Pamela Lecce, Dr. Cavacuiti and Dr. Suzanne Turner apparently did not consult a psychologist before prescribing testosterone to Michelle.
Michelle went back and forth with mental health issues until Lulu took her to a Dr. Rowden, who received a number of diagnoses but her gender dysphoria went unexplored.
Two years later, still struggling with her identity, a doctor refers her for a procedure to remove her uterus, which will be completed in May 2018.
But it was the 2015 diagnoses that she would come back to when she decided to detransition in 2020.
Writing for the Gender Dysphoria Alliance, she wrote of a troubled time at school that led to anxiety and depression: “As a little girl I was bullied on a daily basis – by my peers, by older children and sometimes even by younger children. It felt like everyone in my elementary school knew I was “different.”
“My mother once recalled a time when the school bus pulled up in front of my house and she could hear the whole bus full of children singing cruel things to me.”
Later in life, she said, she “started connecting with the LGBT community online” and “found that a lot of people who identify as asexual are also gendered.”
She wrote that she thought more about gender and came to believe “that she was being bullied because I was trans and just didn’t know.”
After the transition, Michelle found that her mental health had improved for a while before “slumping”.
She said in a crowdfunding video: “It took me 10 years to figure out why I could have mistakenly believed something like this and why so many professionals could have mistakenly encouraged it.
“I can imagine that there are many people who will eventually find themselves in my position, some of them vulnerable adults like I was and some of them too young to understand the long-term consequences.”
The success of surgeries is a contentious issue.
Finland’s chief psychiatrist at a state-approved pediatric center said four out of five young people who don’t receive intervention from professionals will accept their bodies.
She warned of a problem of “deliberate disinformation” among American doctors pressurizing parents to switch young people.
Research has shown that young people are more likely to come out as trans if they have friends who have already come out as trans, although the cause cannot be inferred from the correlation.
A 2020 systematic review and meta-analysis of “Quality of Life in People with Transsexuality After Surgery,” which looked at 1,099 patients, found that quality of life was generally better in people who had surgery, but that Trans people continue to face low risk of life quality and mental health problems.
It stated that ‘[transexuality] can become a source of identity crises due to the … impact on individuals’ personality and behavioral systems, as well as their social adjustment.’
With these recommendations from multiple medical professionals within a year, Michelle began the transition in 2010
has reached out to Michelle for comment and updates on the upcoming court case/court documents. The 34-year-old, who can be seen in a video here, reveals that she is suing medics
The authors wrote that reporting the subjective experience of quality of life is difficult and that individuals “have very different opinions about and report their quality of life differently,” making decisive review difficult.
Therapeutic hormones and surgical procedures can improve happiness and self-confidence by “harmonizing” gender and identity.
However, the study notes that transgender people generally suffer from a lower quality of life.
has reached out to Michelle for comment and updates on the upcoming court case/court documents.